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Stories They Wouldn't Let Me Do on TV (book)

1960 UK Pan paperback

Stories They Wouldn't Let Me Do on TV

  • published in 1957 in the USA by Simon & Schuster (hardback)
  • published in 1957 in the UK by Reinhardt (hardback)
  • published in 1960 in the UK by Pan (paperback) as a "Pan Giant" edition
  • edited by Robert Arthur
  • 373 pages

Contents

  1. Being a Murderer Myself by Arthur Williams
  2. Lukundoo by Edward Lucas White
  3. A Woman Seldom Found by William Sansom
  4. The Perfectionist by Margaret St. Clair
  5. The Price of the Head by John Russell
  6. Love Comes to Miss Lucy by Q. Patrick
  7. Sredni Vashtar by H. H. Munro (as Saki)
  8. Love Lies Bleeding by Philip MacDonald
  9. The Dancing Partner by Jerome K. Jerome
  10. Casting the Runes novelette by M. R. James
  11. The Voice in the Night by William Hope Hodgson
  12. How Love Came to Professor Guildea novella by Robert Hichens (as Robert S. Hichens)
  13. The Moment of Decision by Stanley Ellin
  14. A Jungle Graduate by James Francis Dwyer
  15. Recipe for Murder by C. P. Donnel, Jnr
  16. Nunc Dimittis novelette by Roald Dahl
  17. The Most Dangerous Game by Richard Connell
  18. The Lady on the Grey by John Collier (variant of "The Lady on the Gray")
  19. The Waxwork by A. M. Burrage
  20. The Dumb Wife by Thomas Burke
  21. Couching at the Door by D. K. Broster
  22. The October Game by Ray Bradbury
  23. Water's Edge by Robert Bloch
  24. The Jokester by Robert Arthur
  25. The Abyss by Leonid Andreyev
US paperback

Alfred Hitchcock Presents: 12 Stories They Wouldn't Let Me Do on TV

  • published in June 1958 in the USA by Dell Publishing (paperback)
  • 224 pages

Contents

  1. Preface by Alfred Hitchcock (ghost written)
  2. Being a Murderer Myself by Arthur Williams
  3. Lukundoo by Edward Lucas White
  4. A Woman Seldom Found by William Sansom
  5. The Perfectionist by Margaret St. Clair
  6. The Price of the Head by John Russell
  7. Love Comes to Miss Lucy by Q. Patrick
  8. Sredni Vashtar by H. H. Munro (as Saki)
  9. Love Lies Bleeding by Philip MacDonald
  10. The Dancing Partner by Jerome K. Jerome
  11. Casting the Runes novelette by M. R. James
  12. The Voice in the Night by William Hope Hodgson
  13. How Love Came to Professor Guildea novella by Robert Hichens (as Robert S. Hichens)

Inner Page

With a capricious evil eye
(and a somewhat black hand)
that sly master of suspense,
Mr. Alfred Hitchcock,
has reached into the vast storehouse
of literary gore and gristle,
and come up with a dozen gems,
each of which kept HIM spellbound.

Let there be no mistake.
These are the stuff
of which darkest nightmares are made;
they are not recommended for those
of faint heart and weak stomach.

But for the genuine connoisseur
of the mad and the macabre,
here is a truly vintage selection.
It is guaranteed
to draw a sigh of satisfaction
from even the most jaded palate.

Preface

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is Alfred Hitchcock speaking.

Being what is probably one of the most obtrusive producers on television has spoiled me. I cannot conceive of giving people stories without adding my own comments. The publishers of this book, being far wiser than my television sponsors, have limited my interference to this short preface.

First of all I should make it absolutely clear to you that these stories will not be interspersed with long-playing commercials. You may enjoy them while facing in any direction in any room in the house. Or outside, if you like. Furthermore, you may read them at any time, and if you take longer than half an hour for one of them you will not be penalized. Of course, this information is for those of you with poor memories and good television sets who may have forgotten some of the freedom allowed a reader.

An anthology of stories, like a soufflé, reflects the taste of the person who selects and mixes the ingredients. It matters a great deal, for example, whether onions or garlic are used and when the arsenic is added. I doubt that you will find much garlic or onions in this volume, but I am certain that you will find more than a little arsenic. I only hope that, like me, you have developed a taste for it.

This particular selection of tales is primarily aimed at those of you who find television fare too bland. You may not care for some of these stories because you think them too shocking, macabre or grotesque, but I am confident that you will not find any of them bland or dull.

The reason why some of these stories cannot be produced on the home screen will be obvious on reading. After all, actors are only human. (Debatable but true.) And this quality is a severe limitation for^anyone attempting to produce Edward Lucas White's "Lukundoo," William Hope Hodgson's "The Voice in the Night."

These and several other eerie tales of the supernatural make up a part of the book, but the chief staple is that ever popular crime — murder. However, you will look in vain for a story of an underworld killing — homicide as practiced by hoodlums. I have nothing against gangsters, you understand. Some very delightful murders have been committed by professional criminals. By and large, however, the more interesting work in this field is done by amateurs. Highly gifted amateurs, but still amateurs. They are people who perform their work with dignity, good taste and originality , leavened with a sense of the grotesque. Furthermore, they do not bore you afterward by telling you how they got the way they are. Here is polite and wholesome mayhem as practiced by civilized people and I think it makes good reading.

I was Johnny-come-lately to television, and some persons have claimed that I was waiting for the screens to become wide enough to accommodate me (an allegation which I stoutly deny). However, I have become quite fond of the medium, and I trust that this book will not be interpreted as a criticism but merely an admission that there are a number of taboos and that there are some stories to which TV cannot do justice. As for my dear sponsor: he is really a rather tolerant fellow, and on the program when I bite the hand that feeds me I really have my tongue firmly in my cheek. I am sure this is the neatest trick of the week, and if you want to see how it is done you are welcome to tune in any Sunday evening.

But now I had better fade away while you select the first story to read.

Good night and good hunting.

ALFRED HITCHCOCK

US hardback

Alfred Hitchcock Presents: 13 More Stories They Wouldn't Let Me Do on TV

  • published in April 1959 in the USA by Dell Publishing (paperback)
  • Reprinted in June 1978 in the USA by Dell Publishing (paperback)
  • 224 pages

Contents

  1. The Moment of Decision by Stanley Ellin
  2. A Jungle Graduate by James Francis Dwyer
  3. Recipe for Murder by C. P. Donnel, Jnr
  4. Nunc Dimittis novelette by Roald Dahl
  5. The Most Dangerous Game by Richard Connell
  6. The Lady on the Grey by John Collier (variant of "The Lady on the Gray")
  7. The Waxwork by A. M. Burrage
  8. The Dumb Wife by Thomas Burke
  9. Couching at the Door by D. K. Broster
  10. The October Game by Ray Bradbury
  11. Water's Edge by Robert Bloch
  12. The Jokester by Robert Arthur
  13. The Abyss by Leonid Andreyev

Inner Page

IT'S PRIME TIME FOR TERROR FEATURING THE STARS OF SHOCK!

Ray Bradbury—with the ultimate Halloween trick and treat

Stanley Ellin—with a savage test of a man's will and your nerves

Roald Dahl—with a perverse portrait of naked evil and veiled vengeance

Robert Block—with a riveting striptease of diabolical double cross and double death

Richard Connell—with his famous spellbinder about the most dangerous game of all

13 top writers. 13 great heart-pounders. 13 reasons why you will be lucky to have a pleasant dream for a long, long time after you finish—

13 STORIES THEY WOULDN'T LET ME DO ON TV

Introduction

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is Alfred Hitchcock speaking.

Being what is probably one of the most obtrusive producers on television has spoiled me. I cannot conceive of giving people stories without adding my own comments. The publishers of this book, being far wiser than my television sponsors, have limited my interference to this short preface.

First of all I should make it absolutely clear to you that these stories will not be interspersed with long-playing commercials. You may enjoy them while facing in any direction in any room in the house. Or outside, if you like. Furthermore, you may read them at any time, and if you take longer than half an hour for one of them you will not be penalized. Of course, this information is for those of you with poor memories and good television sets who may have forgotten some of the freedom allowed a reader.

An anthology of stories, like a soufflé, reflects the taste of the person who selects and mixes the ingredients. It matters a great deal, for example, whether onions or garlic are used and when the arsenic is added. I doubt that you will find much garlic or onions in this volume, but I am certain that you will find more than a little arsenic. I only hope that, like me, you have developed a taste for it.

Back Cover

THEY SAID IT COULDN'T BE DONE SO HITCHCOCK DIDN'T TRY TO DO IT.

Instead Alfred Hitchcock gathered together the most grisly treats that TV moguls refused to let him screen —and put them in the most gloriously ghoulish gift package he's ever offered his fans. If you love to shiver, if you yearn for shock, if you loathe safety and simply hate to go to sleep, you'll find that Hitchcock has given you everything you want and more than you've ever imagined in thirteen unbeatable and nearly unbearably terrifying tales...

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